I feel my heart pounding intensely in my chest. Suddenly, my breathing gets tight. I cover my eyes so I don’t have to look at it. Then, because I just can’t help it, I pry two fingers apart and peek.
I see it. It’s the box. The box that’s been shoved into the corner of my living room.
I feel its ominous presence and the panic begins to rise.
Immediately, I look away. Because I. Just. Can’t.
Don’t I have a paper to write? Don’t I have Christmas gifts to shop for? Don’t I need to go to the gym?
Instead, I remain here, palms sweating. Staring at the box.
And it stares back.
Why does it seem that everyone else has such an easy time putting themselves out there? I read so many blogs and listen to so many podcasts and no one else has an issue being authentic and doing their thing. What’s up with that?!?
Fortunately, I randomly listened to a podcast last week and got my answer: It takes a lot of hard work to get to that point. People often see successful people and think it’s magic and rainbows and unicorns. But it doesn’t really happen like that. For anyone.
(Well, maybe we can’t discount the unicorns… 😉 )
In our instant gratification world, we want to skip all that hard work and get to the good stuff. Regardless of what Social Media makes you think, though, ya can’t. And it all goes back to the 10,000 hour rule: It takes 10,000 hours to get something down pat. (Which is why my German is still pretty bad. Ich lese Deutsch but probably not even close to how much my 4-yr olds can read English.)
So let’s get honest here…How many hours have I actually spent on this box?
Maybe I need to have some compassion for myself (a TedX podcast I recently listened to) before I self-flagellate for writing YET AGAIN about how I struggle with blogging. And I need to be be realistic when I decide that I should put the box on the curb along with the other things in my Recycle Bin (which now I need to make sure I rip into 18 inch squares, per the new rules) because, frankly, I just haven’t made it to the 10,000 hours yet.
And that’s ok.
So it’s funny that I mention the 10,000 rule because I also just re-read the book “Outliers.” Although I didn’t notice it the first time around , Malcolm Gladwell points out the box in my corner. And the fact that I was trying to look away. He clearly didn’t understand that I was really just wanting to read the cool story about the Canadian Hockey players. Apparently, he wouldn’t let me get away with that.
After I read his section on how culture also affects success, the neurons fired in my brain and I saw a finished blog post in my head. So now I just have to wipe off my sweaty hands, translate it into English, and tap it out.
One of the things I struggle with is that I see dots that no one else sees and I have a gift of connecting them. I often think I must be imagining them because if the dots were real, surely someone would have connected them before me. With that in mind, how I see Montessori in this book is beyond me, but Montessori is all over it (Or maybe Outliers is all over Montessori, because in reality, Montessori came first. Or maybe it’s neither and it’s all just filed under “human behavior.”).
So because I feel like there’s no way that what I have to say is real, here come the excuses….
Among them is the: “Who am I to even think I can do this?” It takes 10,000 hours to be successful. I am soooooo behind the curve here.
In response to myself, I have to say though, one good thing about studying and teaching yoga is that it has retrained me to turn these negative, self defeating thoughts into something quite the opposite. It has helped me to recognize them as excuses and see what’s really behind them:
Fear. It’s always Fear. At this point, I probably don’t need to waste any more time considering it.
So, then, let’s reframe my question: “How am I going to get my 10,000 if I am not willing get over myself and do the 10,000 hours?” I can’t, so I certainly better get movin’ and get on that box.
Part of it is also that, like many people, I don’t give myself any credit for anything I have done in the past. None of us wants to sit here and say that we have worked hard, lest we feel like we will come off as thinking we are “special” or we “deserve” something because of it.
But I need to get over that and acknowledge that I have worked really hard over the past 20 years and I have developed the tools to make this next chapter happen. I have way more than 10,000 hours in teaching and am probably about half way in writing/blogging. Although I haven’t technically kept track of this, I know I have way more than 10,0000 in data and information analysis. My insecurity, though, stems from that I am at roughly 1800 Montessori hours. While I acknowledge that I am still learning, the last thing I want is for someone to throw stones at me on the internet and tell me I don’t know what I am talking about.
That’s my fear. And I just have to get over it and leave it behind with 2016.
You see, when I find myself talking myself out of things, I change the conversation. I have learned to talk myself into things (using detailed research and analysis, of course). Or maybe the Universe just sends me books and podcasts when I need them. Eventually the talking gets less and less and I tire myself out. Then the conversation’s over.
Thanks for being patient.
(I finished this post and then THIS showed up on my Instagram. How funny!)